I Miss You Both

22 Aug

Sometimes it happens. I’m reminded of them and I feel an immense feeling of longing. When it happens, triggered by the most random experiences, my eyes start feeling heavy and my heart begins to long for having them around. When this happens, I tell myself to look away, “Breathe, Jamie… Breathe.” There’s no point in crying for something that most people won’t even get.

It takes a whole lot of effort to remain okay when this happens. It takes a whole lot to carry on, with the day, like I’m not reminded of the two biggest heroes of my life.

Today, it was an old couple, probably in their late 60s to early 70s, in the dining area of a beach resort that I’m currently spending my weekend in. It was the man’s plaid shirt, carefully tucked into his khaki pants, dark brown belt, slightly protruding healthy tummy (the kind that tells you that he’s lived a long healthy and happy — and interesting — life) that did it for me.

“That’s exactly how my grandfather used to dress up,” I told the person I was with. “If you met, you two would have gotten along.”

I often feel that way, I often wish that the people who matter to me were given a chance to get to know who this man was… and why I always am reminded of his goodness and his heart.

I wrote about it before, I said there are some kinds of love that prove to be everlasting, and death can’t even be in the way of it. I’ve grown to know that through the years. I was 14/15 years old when I lost my grandmother, 17 when I lost my grandfather and yet now at 30, at a random beach resort, I try oh-so-hard to stop myself from crying because I miss them, because I’m reminded of them, and because I wish that they were still part of my life.

“He’d like you, I’m sure.” I said, as I looked away. Little things, litte things, little things bring me back to you, bring me back to days with both of them, and I wish, just wish I could be with them again.

It’s inevitable I guess, and there’s no way out of it… You just have to carry on.

But I will do so knowing, I once had these two angels with me, and they have made me who I am. Every thing about me stems from how they raised me and I am eternally grateful. 

There will be endless moments like this when little random things remind me of them…the yellow flowers my grandmother used to love, the plaid shirts my grandfather used to wear, butterflies, and all the little things that used to make up their life, and I will continue to feel that tinge of longing, but instead of crying, I’ll remind myself to smile.

Once upon a time, I had these angels in my life, and that makes me one of the luckiest girls out there.

Lolo and lola,

A couple reminded me of both of you today, and I hope you can feel all the love I feel right now all the way up there in heaven. I hope you’re having Tanduay in a cottage somewhere up in the clouds, as lola prepares your dinner for you.

I love you both, without an end.

-Your lil Jamie


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